I am and will always be grateful to my folks for imparting me a beautiful and complete childhood. Like every other child with the grace of God I too got the absolute and fair chance to live my childhood completely. I played, rambled around my beautiful small town, explored, learnt, thrown tantrums, went for education in best available schools and colleges, and experienced all those innocent and beautiful ups and downs which every other normal child of an upper middle class family gets an opportunity to do. Needless to mention, I will always be obliged throughout my life to my parents and my grandparents for imparting me the similar.
As a child I really never knew much about the “losses of life” which primary are personal and then these losses gradually take toll over the emotions. I was unaware of their impact. Like every other loving and caring parent, mine too kept me away from those losses so that they do not disturb my unripe mind and leave any emotional impact on my tender heart. Of course, despite having idea I couldn’t understand or feel much about these losses since I never shared any emotional attachment with them or rather the innocent child in me was immature to understand their importance and feel their depth. My age was too tender to understand and feel about those relations as I was secure and comfortable in the warm cocoon of my parent’s secure world.
It is still the same with me. I am not much able to “understand” relations, I moreover feel them and hence my acquaintances which are close to my heart and really matter to me are effortless. They have themselves developed that forever bond with me. For me it can be with anyone and it really doesn’t require date, time, age, nationality, gender or any other logical reasoning (from this I really don’t mean that I don’t respect my nationality, religion, or any other thing or anyone related with me it is just that I respect others as well), which I often find people use to build relations. I always find that such relations do not possess that forever charm. With that togetherness they comprise that deep shallowness.
“Things appear hunky dory from outside but just a deep peek inside and shallowness appears”~
With growing years when I started to understand the relations and hence feel their presence and importance in my life, I too had this false notion that everyone will be with me forever like we have about ourselves somewhere that we will live forever, till life gave me the first blow and I lost someone very close to me. I have never imagined it in my wildest dreams ever that life can be so unfair to me and my family. Some things changed, many relations around me changed, yes their behavior towards me any family changed, and then they changed forever as though they always wanted to change and were just waiting for an opportunity to be their actual self. I didn’t speak much because suddenly on a fast rate I had too much to observe, learn, feel, and I gobbled up most of the learning and observations in my heart. I was slowly learning to sieve the relations which really mean to me from other relations. At that time, I only knew about my family and that I way far tried to be as strong as possible and I successfully did. When after some time things were little settled, I and my grandfather were having a walk one day and he told me –
“I never knew in this tender age you will show so much maturity and I only silently thought I too always never had an idea that your spectacular upbringing has nurtured such great values in me and made me such a strong person”.
I miss HIM at times…
But, it is true~
“Some losses create a deep void in your heart and life forever. No matter how strong you get, what you do and to which ever high point you reach in your life some losses just cannot be replaced”.
And I really do not want to replace them either because those precious losses were so unique and special. How can someone else ever replace them? It destroys the authenticity and purity of relations. With me or not it will be that close and will mean that much to me as always.
Now, I understood the real meaning and importance of relations and have started feeling them deeply much much more…
As I am always stern with me and my emotions so I moved ahead for my and everybody’s sake, with preaching from every end and every other person I came across which I really never required but I had to silently listen. I became silent and I started coming close to the relations and divine. May be, I was learning the actual meaning of life gradually.
“I always feel my silence has more sound and eyes reflect more emotions if someone care and have mellowness to read, understand, and listen.”
I often try hard to hide at first go and it is not that I do not speak and express, it is just that I take far longer time than any other normal person. I can show more by my little gestures.
Am I secretive about my emotions? Do I fear to accept them or is it my intrinsic nature? Well I believe partially all three somewhere.
I immersed myself in my studies and future planning and things slowly started to settle down. I really don’t know how much and for who’s sake. I successfully took my mind off from all these things, but slowly life had so many more offerings (losses) to offer. Within a span of few years I lost many relations very close to me, but somewhere I was now too involved with my own things, present, future and was somewhere I was too stern in my heart to not let things affect me. I never knew that I am accumulating them in my heart and if truth to be told the void was actually growing bigger and deeper.
It’s been few years now and…
I still question myself at times- “Had I been selfish”?
“Was I running away from the relations and was afraid of more losses somewhere”?
“Was my heart trying to explore happiness after so much chaos in life and I was not ready to succumb to the grief of more losses anymore”?
I haven’t found any fair answer yet or rather I feel I haven’t gained that wisdom yet to answer such questions about my life or some questions can never be answered.
Where I went wrong? Even did I or not? I don’t know… but it’s true I miss the presence of those special losses very much at times.
I never knew life has so much to offer me next. Till some different kind of losses appeared unannounced as a shock in my life. With their deceit, low assessment, and mean actions they left scars on my soul forever. I never succumbed because here I was sure it was not my mistake. I came out glowing, renewed, and better than ever but somewhere they left an impact on other relations associated with my life which became just intolerable for me to cope up. I gobbled up everything again and tried to move on as fast as possible. I did if not for mine then for other relations associated with me but I did and again I learnt so much.
Life was so unfair with me that these deceits were repeated again.
These emotional losses redefined me and hence apart from other relations of my life whose importance and depth I have now understood and felt, I was slowly developing a deep bond with me and now with every passing moment this bond is getting much deeper. With my education, exposure, and moreover from the experience of life I have come across variety of individuals and often amazed to see the variety created by God.
Can someone as graceful and pure as “DIVINE” create such “variety”? Well…only Divine knows.
My circle expanded more and it’s now expanding with every passing day. I came across some relations whom I have met and felt only through mutual writings and I have never even spoken to them or met them but still got a blessed opportunity to know the real person in them. This is a sheer beautiful experience and I love it this way only. A loss appeared here too…though we haven’t spoken much but then somewhere I often miss the beautiful acquaintance and presence with a feeling that I am moving on…
Since a long time now, I had been trying to be very strong with me while coping up the losses. These losses which I accumulated in my heart somewhere at times causes much throbbing deep within at times and I feel helpless. The depth of relations, their losses, and writing unearths the layers of deep emotions which as a result of losses since years I have accumulated in my heart.
I have now learnt that “LOSSES OF LIFE” are inevitable part of life and all we need to do is to accept them because fighting really doesn’t help rather leads to more different kind of losses.
O! These losses are actually somewhere discovering ME every passing moment. The only thing is that I am realizing it now
Whether or not with you losses remains forever in you...
WHEN I WAS LOST IN ME...
@Copyright 2012- Manisha Bhatia