I am and will
always be grateful to my folks for imparting me a beautiful and complete
childhood. Like every other child with the grace of God I too got the absolute
and fair chance to live my childhood completely. I played, rambled around my
beautiful small town, explored, learnt, thrown tantrums, went for education in
best available schools and colleges, and experienced all those innocent and
beautiful ups and downs which every other normal child of an upper middle class
family gets an opportunity to do. Needless to mention, I will always be obliged
throughout my life to my parents and my grandparents for imparting me the
similar.
As a child I
really never knew much about the “losses of life” which primary are personal and then these
losses gradually take toll over the emotions. I was unaware of their impact. Like
every other loving and caring parent, mine too kept me away from those losses
so that they do not disturb my unripe mind and leave any emotional impact on my
tender heart. Of course, despite having idea I couldn’t understand or feel much
about these losses since I never shared any emotional attachment with them or rather
the innocent child in me was immature to understand their importance and feel
their depth. My age was too tender to understand and feel about those relations
as I was secure and comfortable in the warm cocoon of my parent’s secure world.
It is still the same with me. I am not much
able to “understand” relations, I moreover feel them and hence my
acquaintances which are close to my heart and really matter to me are
effortless. They have themselves developed that forever bond with me. For me it
can be with anyone and it really doesn’t require date, time, age, nationality,
gender or any other logical reasoning (from this I really don’t mean that I
don’t respect my nationality, religion, or any other thing or anyone related with
me it is just that I respect others as well), which I often find people use to build
relations. I always find that such relations do not possess that forever charm.
With that togetherness they comprise that deep shallowness.
“Things appear hunky dory
from outside but just a deep peek inside and shallowness appears”~
With growing
years when I started to understand the relations and hence feel their presence
and importance in my life, I too had this false notion that everyone will be
with me forever like we have about ourselves somewhere that we will live
forever, till life gave me the first blow and I lost someone very close to me.
I have never imagined it in my wildest dreams ever that life can be so unfair
to me and my family. Some things changed, many relations around me changed, yes
their behavior towards me any family changed, and then they changed forever as
though they always wanted to change and were just waiting for an opportunity to
be their actual self. I didn’t speak much because suddenly on a fast rate I had
too much to observe, learn, feel, and I gobbled up most of the learning and
observations in my heart. I was slowly learning to sieve the relations which
really mean to me from other relations. At that time, I only knew about my family and
that I way far tried to be as strong as possible and I successfully did. When after
some time things were little settled, I and my grandfather were having a walk
one day and he told me –
“I never knew in this
tender age you will show so much maturity and I only silently thought I too
always never had an idea that your spectacular upbringing has nurtured such
great values in me and made me such a strong person”.
I miss HIM at
times…
But, it is
true~
“Some losses create a
deep void in your heart and life forever. No matter how strong you get, what
you do and to which ever high point you reach in your life some losses just cannot
be replaced”.
And I really
do not want to replace them either because those precious losses were so unique
and special. How can someone else ever replace them? It destroys the
authenticity and purity of relations. With me or not it will be that close and
will mean that much to me as always.
Now, I
understood the real meaning and importance of relations and have started feeling
them deeply much much more…
As I am
always stern with me and my emotions so I moved ahead for my and everybody’s
sake, with preaching from every end and every other person I came across which
I really never required but I had to silently listen. I became silent and I
started coming close to the relations and divine. May be, I was learning the
actual meaning of life gradually.
“I always feel my silence
has more sound and eyes reflect more emotions if someone care and have
mellowness to read, understand, and listen.”
I often try hard to hide
at first go and it is not that I do not speak and express, it is just that I
take far longer time than any other normal person. I can show more by my little
gestures.
Am I secretive about my
emotions? Do I fear to accept them or is it my intrinsic nature? Well I believe
partially all three somewhere.
I immersed
myself in my studies and future planning and things slowly started to settle
down. I really don’t know how much and for who’s sake. I successfully took my
mind off from all these things, but slowly life had so many more offerings
(losses) to offer. Within a span of few years I lost many relations very close
to me, but somewhere I was now too involved with my own things, present, future
and was somewhere I was too stern in my heart to not let things affect me. I
never knew that I am accumulating them in my heart and if truth to be told the
void was actually growing bigger and deeper.
It’s been few
years now and…
I still
question myself at times- “Had I been selfish”?
“Was I
running away from the relations and was afraid of more losses somewhere”?
“Was my heart
trying to explore happiness after so much chaos in life and I was not ready to
succumb to the grief of more losses anymore”?
I haven’t
found any fair answer yet or rather I feel I haven’t gained that wisdom yet to
answer such questions about my life or some questions can never be answered.
Where I went
wrong? Even did I or not? I don’t know… but it’s true I miss the presence of
those special losses very much at times.
I never knew
life has so much to offer me next. Till some different kind of losses appeared unannounced
as a shock in my life. With their deceit, low assessment, and mean actions they
left scars on my soul forever. I never succumbed because here I was sure it was
not my mistake. I came out glowing, renewed, and better than ever but somewhere
they left an impact on other relations associated with my life which became
just intolerable for me to cope up. I gobbled up everything again and tried
to move on as fast as possible. I did if not for mine then for other relations
associated with me but I did and again I learnt so much.
Life was so
unfair with me that these deceits were repeated again.
These
emotional losses redefined me and hence apart from other relations of my life
whose importance and depth I have now understood and felt, I was slowly
developing a deep bond with me and now with every passing moment this bond is
getting much deeper. With my education, exposure, and moreover from the
experience of life I have come across variety of individuals and often amazed
to see the variety created by God.
Can someone as graceful
and pure as “DIVINE” create such “variety”? Well…only Divine knows.
My circle
expanded more and it’s now expanding with every passing day. I came across some
relations whom I have met and felt only through mutual writings and I have
never even spoken to them or met them but still got a blessed opportunity to
know the real person in them. This is a sheer beautiful experience and I love
it this way only. A loss appeared here too…though we haven’t spoken much but
then somewhere I often miss the beautiful acquaintance and presence with a
feeling that I am moving on…
Since a long
time now, I had been trying to be very strong with me while coping up the
losses. These losses which I accumulated in my heart somewhere at times causes
much throbbing deep within at times and I feel helpless. The depth of
relations, their losses, and writing unearths the layers of deep emotions which
as a result of losses since years I have accumulated in my heart.
I have now
learnt that “LOSSES OF LIFE” are inevitable part of life and all we need
to do is to accept them because fighting really doesn’t help rather leads to
more different kind of losses.
O! These
losses are actually somewhere discovering ME every passing moment. The only
thing is that I am realizing it now
Whether or not
with you losses remains forever in you...
WHEN I WAS LOST IN ME...
@Copyright 2012- Manisha Bhatia
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